The Self of the Therapist: Staying Connected
Disconnection often emerges in subtle ways. It may be felt as distraction, a loss of emotional range, or an increasing reliance on technique at the expense of relational presence. Sessions feel strained rather than responsive, and there may be an awareness of needing to hold the self together.
By Featured Writer, Belinda Bennetts.
Therapists are often thought of in terms of what they offer, such as empathy, presence and attention, and it is widely recognised that the capacity to do this is not because we “switch on” for an hour with a client. Rather, it is because we come to the room with a myriad of experiences, emotions, and states of being that unfold alongside clinical work. In other words, we bring our humanity into the therapeutic space, and our capacity to remain connected to these parts of self while also being emotionally available to the client is what enables what Mearns and Cooper (2018) describe as ‘relational depth’.
However, when the therapist becomes disconnected, feels narrowed by their role, or depleted by life beyond the therapy room, this depth becomes harder to access. The relationship can lose its vitality, and the work can begin to feel heavier and less alive. Over time, this can subtly affect the quality of attunement and responsiveness within the therapeutic relationship itself.
When the connection to self becomes shaky
Disconnection often emerges in subtle ways. It may be felt as distraction, a loss of emotional range, or an increasing reliance on technique at the expense of relational presence. Sessions feel strained rather than responsive, and there may be an awareness of needing to hold the self together. It can also appear as over-responsibility for clients, difficulty holding boundaries, or a reduced tolerance for uncertainty and not knowing. Gradually, this can contribute to compassion fatigue or a loss of meaning in the work, processes explored by Skovholt and Trotter-Mathison (2016) in their writing on therapist resilience and burnout.
It is important to remember that disconnection often arises in response to sustained attentiveness to others or periods of personal change. Therefore, it is not failure but a sign that the self needs attention.
Ethics, supervision, and tending to the self
Ethical frameworks consistently emphasise competence, reflection, and the responsibility to recognise when personal circumstances may affect professional functioning. This requires more than just checking behaviour; it asks for an ongoing relationship with one’s own emotional life and inner experience.
When therapists lose touch with themselves, there is a risk of a gradual erosion of presence, and supervision plays a central role in helping to prevent this. At its best, supervision is not only about case formulation or ethical oversight, but about creating space to reflect on how the work is touching the therapist’s inner world. It offers a place to notice emotional impact, relational pulls, and the ways in which personal history or current life experiences may be shaping the work. In this sense, supervision supports the therapist in remaining resourced and human.
Remembering who we are beyond the therapy room
Beyond supervision and professional reflection, therapists also need places where they are not therapists at all. Spaces where they are not holding, containing, or making sense of others’ experiences.
This is not about striving for balance or performing self-care. It is about the continuity of self. When therapists remain connected to their own lives, relationships, creativity, rest, and sources of meaning, they are more able to bring their whole selves into the therapeutic relationship. The work is then carried not by effort alone, but by grounded presence.
To remain connected to who we are outside the therapy room is not a retreat from the work, but a way of returning to it more fully. When therapists protect their sense of self beyond the role, they are less likely to become lost in the weight of client work. In doing so, they enter the room whole and attuned, rather than depleted. Presence deepens, responsiveness remains alive, and the therapeutic relationship is enriched.
Protecting the self of the therapist is, ultimately, a way of protecting the depth and humanity of the work itself. It is only when we are connected to our own rhythm that we can use the self as a primary instrument of change within the therapeutic space (Yalom, 2002).
Reflection
And so, I leave you with these questions to reflect on:
How are you really feeling right now? Not as a therapist, but as you?
What makes you feel most alive and when did you last experience that?
Who are you when you are outside the therapy room, and is that part of you being attended to?
If you are interested in a free journaling resource that can help with staying balanced, particularly if you are going through big life changes, I have a download called ‘Holding Steady’ which can be accessed here: https://belindabennetts.co.uk/journaling-prompts/
References:
Mearns, D. and Cooper, M. (2018). Working at relational depth in counselling and psychotherapy. 2nd ed. London: Sage.
Skovholt, T.M. and Trotter-Mathison, M. (2016). The resilient practitioner: Burnout prevention and self-care strategies for counsellors, therapists, teachers, and health professionals. New York: Routledge.
Yalom, I. (2002). The Gift of Therapy: Reflections on being a therapist. London: Piatkus.